tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-45216290663796871122024-03-04T21:15:44.544-08:00Seesaw Seating PlanComing clean about my guilty pleasures, bipolar disorder and East London shenanigans.Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.comBlogger126125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-70156492251631832782014-03-10T07:10:00.001-07:002014-03-10T07:11:11.387-07:00Pregnancy and depression<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">One thing, that used to wierdly upset me as a kid was watching other kids eat and cry at the same time. In the canteen at primary school there was always one kid who would cry so much she couldn't chew her packed lunch and her lemon curd sandwiches would fall out of her mouth and down her coat that she never took off. That kid was me. And I just spend all weekend doing it again.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I wonder what people must've thought seeing a grown woman, heavily pregnant, in floods of tears on the hottest day of the year in London Fields, and then again on Milfields Park, dribbling sausage roll onto her Barbour jacket (I no longer like lemon curd and C&A has since closed down).</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgauRt5f1mXrGfmhBpRVo4Nrcm1BhgiLwSDAnR0yybhpEGquSGUrtaXXQuKPq-cX9TwHCkdBfV6x9CXtJcn6tcYnaO64MKOHm7U9pxDMFm_FpuVevTRq00fK9pOfeKkmgzH5f49med9pd-8/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgauRt5f1mXrGfmhBpRVo4Nrcm1BhgiLwSDAnR0yybhpEGquSGUrtaXXQuKPq-cX9TwHCkdBfV6x9CXtJcn6tcYnaO64MKOHm7U9pxDMFm_FpuVevTRq00fK9pOfeKkmgzH5f49med9pd-8/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I had heard that women in their third trimester get emotional, only the other day I sprayed my face with too much fake tan and burst into tears (looking back THAT, was funny) but no one warned me of the gut wrenching, heart smashing 'end of an era' come down that I spent the weekend with. And when you can't drink, smoke, or take the bipolar meds that have been propping you up for the last decade you HAVE to sit with it, and lie with it for hours often days on end because in the absence of those meds you can't sleep either. I live alone, and so there is no partner or housemate to come home to, just a couple of cats who sit on the bottom step by the front door, giving me that 'and where the f**k do you think you've been whilst we've been waiting to be fed and loved' look.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Maybe I'll try skipping?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Obviously I'm thinking thats it, game over, I'll never be happy again, whilst washing up piles up and so does my floordrobe, and that familiar 'you MUST call me/come over' next time gets shoved between a couple of records never to get found again. Today I'm supposed to be writing an upbeat and inspiring article on an ex-celeb I interviewed yesterday, and tomorrow I'm supposed to be filming with a TV company on a documentary portraying how women with bipolar can still make brilliant mothers but I'm feeling more like playing "Try not to guess what I'm thinking" with myself instead. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">If anyone else says "Try yoga" I'll tape them up and play the Hokey Cokey at full volume on repeat.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I found out I'm having a baby boy! But who has unfortunately been given the working title 'Mr Sue' as I was convinced he was going to be a girl. He is currently going through a phase of solo disco dancing competitions in my womb, he doesn't stop kicking and spinning and that alone cracks a smile on my face that otherwise resembles Shirley Carter after a Walford Christmas special. Then again I am worried that even he will judge me when he is born because I can't find the perfect door pull handles to go with the nursery furniture I have made, which is probably crap too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Onwards and upwards, I was told by gynaecologists in my twenties that I risked acute fertility problems and here I am six months up the duff, spring is also in the air, and, and probably lots of other exciting things are going on around the corner which I just don't know about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Happy belated birthday to anyone who's birthday was this time last year.</span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-45184808121210632072014-01-19T09:52:00.001-08:002014-01-19T09:52:59.014-08:00Complaining vs Excercise<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUcEQ6lc7avSaLVt0f7tpgTQNfz3dj8KM39pgmwh0hxyT2EQcqsShW8CteYC55yuK5uRDxaYR_ZGiTGnoPjDMJqDJe6BxXoC3Z8V9cBeHGM7NSiZjmf82JS9c1bdcgV9huBkJwZb03ujyd/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUcEQ6lc7avSaLVt0f7tpgTQNfz3dj8KM39pgmwh0hxyT2EQcqsShW8CteYC55yuK5uRDxaYR_ZGiTGnoPjDMJqDJe6BxXoC3Z8V9cBeHGM7NSiZjmf82JS9c1bdcgV9huBkJwZb03ujyd/s1600/images.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">TV commercials where pregnant women stand on stepladders and perfectly paint walls are misleading! I've tried to conform to the idealistic media portrayal of the modern pregnant woman but it's not going to plan. Yes, I am decorating mother and baby to be's bedrooms with the help of my friend and painter, but I can't do more than ten minutes at a time without putting my back out - I crawled under a table to rescue some pins before my cats got to them, underestimated recent growth, got stuck - harassing friend/painter when the next lunch break is - contrary to builders' average twelve tea breaks a working day I'm on the the same amount of lunch breaks - and having to clean white paint off black cats. </span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-54f19351-ab95-f335-7777-a839330a3969" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To save money on shabby chic I've been making my own, painting everything in sight an 'antique white' then pasting embossed vintage printed paper onto it. But when you're happy with the results it's difficult to know when to stop and, being a bit over excited combined with mild OCD pretty much everything in my room has now been painted and papered, bedding included "What do you mean I have to strip the bed first?"</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Although the radio has kept us entertained yet ten grand poorer a day - every time we can't be bothered to enter competitions we get them right - it's also driven us a bit mad. *****FM have been playing the same playlist all day, every day, and although I'm not one to complain, I did just that. In fact everything that winds me up about other people I seem to be doing a lot of lately. I can't bear it when all pregnant women bang on about is being pregnant and I am doing just that, to the point I've had to look for online 'bump' groups to give my poor friends a break. I also can't bear profile pics of newborns (because it's not you!), yet I'll probably do that too. Also in the profile pic firing line are when people have pictures of themselves with unplugged guitars or mics "Hey guess what? I play guitar or sing". Anyway.. I emailed said radio station, explaining that the two of us are working soley together for long days, that neither of us can sing anyway, that repeating the same track over and over is driving us a bit mad. I kept out the bit about having racing hormones, and about abstaining from my regular mood stabilisers, as I didn't want them to forward it to any mental health services or even worse 'Noels Christmas Presents' but politely asked if they could play something different.</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">But no reply, and no change. Next day.. nothing. By the end of the week.. nothing. So, when I switched on said radio station at the weekend to find the same tunes were still being played, I drafted a fake letter from my fake solicitor to shake them up a bit..</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Dear ***** FM London - Scheduling team</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I am writing to you on behalf of my clients Ms Hudson and Ms Blue following a complaint written you yourselves dates 14/01/14 </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">RE: Repetition of playlist </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">which you have chosen to ignore, so my clients have passed this unfortunate situation on to my company law firm for representation and we have agreed.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Failure to reply to such complaint puts you in breech of your listener satisfaction agreement, which I will need to obtain a recent copy of from your HR department within 14 days of receipt of this letter which has been signed and dated for our records.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My clients have since lost their decoration/restoration business as a result of your playlist continuation, due to psychological instability which it has caused. Ms Blue had to be rescued by a specialist recovery service because Ms Hudson who having heard Gary Barlow over and over to the point of despair - wallpaper pasted Ms Blue to the wall where she was left - to numerous accounts of Sam Baker - for three days and nights. Once rescued, Ms Blue painted Ms Hudson, restricting her breathing pores and now Ms Hudson is in a coma. She called me from her coma this morning with news that she may not recover.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am therefor obligated to put in an application for costs such as follows..</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">- Loss of earnings amounting to £20,800 per year</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">- Ms Blue's rescue fees amounting to (and including trauma counselling costs to rescue team) £6,000</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">- Ms Hudson's medical fees (including medical staff Christmas Party) £16.050</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So an initial payment of £42,850.00 plus annual costs of £20,800.00 until retirement age (tbc as I only have their 'DJ' ages on record).</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yours Sincerely</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">A*y McBe*l </span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Of course we could always tune into a different station but then I'd have nothing else to complain about and at this stage of pregnancy complaining is the only exercise I get..</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-72311353656361340862013-12-31T04:20:00.005-08:002013-12-31T04:24:14.151-08:00Jelly Babies and eBay<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiC7vhMFIfgZ9v5hmkQK5vc_sJR3mEQtCIt1tFDzOqOsqXi3t7Fm2IHak30mM2AqHCL7a4lXKp8a-1vh0-auLIJWWMIIoYrDOjmlaG7_rqsQHGHa9kkC3mL4xtLKNzqLBFe_8Fs_VQztdM/s1600/imgres-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiC7vhMFIfgZ9v5hmkQK5vc_sJR3mEQtCIt1tFDzOqOsqXi3t7Fm2IHak30mM2AqHCL7a4lXKp8a-1vh0-auLIJWWMIIoYrDOjmlaG7_rqsQHGHa9kkC3mL4xtLKNzqLBFe_8Fs_VQztdM/s1600/imgres-1.jpg" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 15px; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pregnancy aside, mentality aside, I'm unfortunately caught up in the part paranoid part reality 'What must people think of me' culture that still exists, decades after our grandmas twitched net curtains and aunties gossiped over garden fences. It still happens. We're not the doorstep gossip bunch we were during the war but chardonnay and facebook still hosts the best chin wagging.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Being bipolar I expected.. 'I don't think you can handle it' and 'It's not the right time' (Hello, wrong end of my thirties) and 'But what if you have a bad day?' and I did get all of the above. These reactions were, however, on delivery of the information I gave, that “I’m pregnant”. But when put.. "I’m having a baby" I got, even from the same people, 'You'll make a great mum!' and 'It's perfect timing' and 'How exciting!'. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And then come the questions, the SAME questions, for the next seven months to come, for which I reply, more animated (it makes up for enthusiasm) each time.. "Due 11th June, we find out at our twenty week scan, and no it's not yours"</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The support is overwhelming (good overwhelming, not go into hiding overwhelming), old friends come back, flowers come from from proper florists, families rebond.. I'm starting to wish I'd popped babies out sooner, except that gyno's branded me infertile in my twenties obviously, a somewhat dark yet appropriate 'Should've Gone To Specsavers' commercial.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To answer the question people probably don't want to ask me, yes there is a chance the child could develop bipolar in later life, not a strong one, but it's out there. There's also a chance of lots of other stuff.. pregnancy like any condition has risks, they just have to be minimised by lifestyle changes and attending appointments. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another question and people do ask me this one is if I can still take me meds. I can but I don't. Can being that I'd need to change to safer types ie from lamotrigine to olanzipine (the mood stabilisers), and from venlifaxin to sertreline (the anti-depressants/anxieties) but I've been on both before which is why I switched over to begin with. Olanzipine is like (I imagine) smack but without the fun bits, and sertreline made me a bit too lively. Obviously, different meds affect different people, the above have kept fellow 'geniuses' out of trouble for decades. My propanonol (beta blockers) and zopiclone (sleepers) are a no go area. Instead I just have to panic and not sleep.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Can I stay well without the meds? Ironically I feel more stable without my mood stabilisers than I ever have, but then I have a healthy lifestyle and routine forced upon me. Maybe thats the cure for mood disorders? Get up the duff? Yes I've had a few mood swings, namely in the first trimester where the rest of the pregnant world do as well, but only around people who push my buttons. I've had to ask for a bit of space, a bit of sensitivity, a bit short of a hundred times, but falling on deaf ears I have spat my dummy out a few times. I think thats called being normal, not 'having an episode'. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But the biggest problem for me personally, which contradicts the prediction of my ever growing team of doctors - consultant obstetricians, counsellors, CPN's midwives, specialist MH midwives and peri-natal doctors, seriously, between them there are more initials after their names than the alphabet - is depression, rather than mania or psychosis. Stuff I used to enjoy I don't. Stuff I used to run home to, I don't even leave the house in the first place. I cannot get excited about anything, and I'm a naturally very excitable person. People that suggest going for walks.. it's December, cold and wet and dark, and Homerton doesn't have the same qualities of say Downton. People that suggest reading a book need to check out my bookshelf first.. I have a mild obsession with criminal psychology and personality disorders. But, a bit of perspective goes a long way.. yesterday I was sitting on the sofa in front of the telly, eBay on my lap and sinking Jelly Babies, thinking to myself 'God, all I can do in the absence of merlot and high disco kicks is shopping and eating, poor me' yet on the telly was a documentary about the Jews in Nazi occupancy. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-91333037110295777572013-12-31T04:13:00.000-08:002013-12-31T04:28:30.197-08:00Mail On Sunday article November 2014<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Have your tippex handy because I didn't write the headlines..</span><br />
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http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2523686/Im-scared-forced-caesarean-row-Im-reassured--Im-bipolar-pregnant-too.html#</span><br />
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.. and for the full unedited article..</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I first read about the case of Alessandra </span><span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pacchieri</span><span style="font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I was shocked, we all were, and it naturally threw up some questions about my own situation. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Like Alessandra I suffer from bipolar affective disorder. I’m also pregnant with my first child. I too made the decision to come off medication, to prevent any harm to the development of my unborn child. </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Although coming off medication (a cocktail curbing mood swings, depression, anxiety and insomnia) I am under the supervision of the CMHT (community mental health team) who continue to monitor me without meds. I have been strongly advised to take a short term course of antipsychotics on delivery, possibly in a mother and baby unit, as there is an apparent high risk in women with bipolar who suffer post-natal psychosis due to the huge drop in hormones. Another medical professional however told me the risk of this happening is in fact low. Conflicting professional advice does make me feel a little like a player in a game of "What If?".</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The decision to become a mother wasn't an easy one, I was always aware of the risks involved; bipolar can be hereditary, certain medications including one I was on can have cardiac effects on the baby, and how would the child feel about his or her mother having a serious mental illness etc.. but I never thought I'd need to address these because I was told by gynaecologists in my mid twenties that I had fertility issues as a result of PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). I also have fibroids which can affect a healthy pregnancy, and, I'm in my late thirties, so when I was hit with the shocking news of pregnancy, I didn't think it would last and prepared myself to be one of the unfortunately high statistics that miscarry. Just as I entered my second trimester, the 'safe' stage thereon, the case of Alessandra </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pacchieri </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">flooded the press, obviously triggering my own fears and “What if’s?”</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Under the umbrella which is the CMHT, I see a perinatal doctor (a specialist psychiatrist who supports expectant mothers during, and for up to twelve months after birth). A standard referral was made by my regular consultant psychiatrist. This is separate to a mental health midwife who plays more of a medical role in the pregnancy. I also have a CPN (community practice nurse) who supports more practical needs. I am not sure if Alessandra had an extensive team allocated to her here in England, the ambiguity she describes says she perhaps didn’t.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Doctors assess me monthly and so far feel I'm doing OK without the meds. Funnily enough, bar a few mood swings in the first trimester that most pregnant women experience, I have felt more stable </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">without </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">the mood stabilisers, but I have had a healthy lifestyle forced upon me. I've developed a healthy routine; I'm constantly hungry and so I'm eating three times a day (at least!) I never used to eat breakfast, often going into mid afternoon before my first meal of the day, and I'm eating super healthy foods and drinking under 2 alcohol units a week, if at all. Getting knackered easily I go to bed earlier and get up earlier, absorbing more daylight. I'm taking recommended taking pregnancy supplements, saving money, working harder, making plans, having a focus.. of course hormones could also play a part, even though we often associate them with mood swings.</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, my team have explained to me that despite all this they have a duty of care to make a referral to child services around the time of birth. Initially I was concerned, would they deem me unfit to be a mother? But I like many were confusing child services with child protection, a different service altogether. Child services offers initial support if, and only if needed. The timing of learning about the referral came at the same time of the hype around the Alessandra case. At 32 weeks pregnant I am expecting a big meeting, a room withed with my CMHT team, social services, my family, partner and baby father, I will feel like I'm under a spotlight being judged, a little like X-Factor, and I understand that decisions will be made for me, but I reassuringly will be present and involved, I will also give my own opinions and suggestions.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Going back to Alessandra's case, although I do understand that if she wasn't mentally stable enough to understand the harm a natural delivery would incur (a uterine rupture is life threatening to both mother and baby) hence the decision was made on her behalf for an involuntary cesarean, I don't yet understand why the child hasn't been returned to a now mentally stable, compliant and well woman.</span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b><br />
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Temporary care or adoption?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Various press have reported that Alessandra's previous children were taken into care due to neglect brought on by her own temporary mental instability, but what I think is important to highlight is that the children were (and still) permitted to reside with their maternal grandmother and therefore engage in regular contact with their mother, yet her current child is up for adoption. In adoption cases, legally the children are not returned to their natural parents or pursue contact, unless the child decides to do so as an adult. According to national statistics - </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Children looked after in England (including adoption and care </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">leavers) year ending 31 March 2013 </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">only 5% of children ‘looked after’ are adopted, others go into foster care, residential care or with families. So what are the guidelines/assessment criteria that determine whether a child placed in care is temporarily placed, or adopted? In other words, what are the chances of Alessandra or any other woman whose child has been removed under circumstances of temporarily instability getting their child back? *</span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Still awaiting guidelines from family lawyer*</span></span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Asking for help</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One of my concerns is that many mothers or mothers to be with mental health issues who have been following Alexandra’s case will decide to keep quiet about their concerns about any deteriorating mental health they may be experiencing. During a horrific panic attack, Alessandra contacted the emergency services herself, as I myself did during my first trimester when breathing problems got out of control. Fortunately normal breathing resumed and I wasn’t admitted. Prior to this, two of Alessandra three psychiatric admissions were also voluntary. It would distress me to think that having seen the outcome of Alessandra's ordeal a pregnant woman would rather suffer in silence because she now feels that asking for help could result in having her child taken away. I have always been very vocal with my team, when I have recognised my own symptoms, I've made immediate contact with them, engaged with medication and like also voluntarily admitted myself to hospital. I would like to think that these services would recognise this not as weakness, or uncapping, but looking after myself and making positive decisions in regard to my own well being, thus the wellbeing of my child. I wouldn’t discourage this from anyone.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Also I feel that in her defence a few recent articles have pointed out that Alessandra's three children have different fathers: (the first two are American; the father of the baby who was born in England is Senegalese) and I find these facts irrelevant, as she is not under trial for having different partners, and having three or more partners in a lifetime does not indicate a mental health issue.</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As a pregnant woman with bipolar myself, if i could take Alessandra to a quiet corner and whisper some advice, I would strongly suggest she sticks to the meds that are currently keeping her well. A trap I have seen many people with this condition fall into, myself included, is that when we feel well we often feel 'cured' and question whether we need to be on meds anymore. Leave the curiosity there. Another thing about this condition is, like with other mental health conditions, 'episodes' as we call them are only temporary with often many months, years or even decades of wellness in-between. Unfortunately for us, we only tend to come into the spotlight, be that in the the press or to the attention of the authorities during the occasions when we are unwell. The focus and decisions that are make for us are based on these. People more often than not, cannot tell if someone has bipolar, be it a friend, neighbour or colleague, because post episodes we too can lead ‘normal’ healthy and successful lives. We do not choose these episodes and like anyone else deserve to be given second chances. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-4166333726434215412013-12-31T04:04:00.003-08:002013-12-31T04:26:48.233-08:00Pregnancy and the twelve week rule <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioeZOtnVrO87O4VsDv5cnwH-Su8cU6uqM4ArCZClps09Q6SSbYwloDYwQC0CfN3VVghyjXXPkt021xrdlKTXKPHHT0Cjf6KDjSO2i0EZj9qgKWLZoLxKwad6CvLXNPr55ih_Dl9NXTP3zU/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioeZOtnVrO87O4VsDv5cnwH-Su8cU6uqM4ArCZClps09Q6SSbYwloDYwQC0CfN3VVghyjXXPkt021xrdlKTXKPHHT0Cjf6KDjSO2i0EZj9qgKWLZoLxKwad6CvLXNPr55ih_Dl9NXTP3zU/s1600/images.jpg" /></span></a></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b id="docs-internal-guid-61cdde30-4887-5e53-c1c8-abd7e067d2d8" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I'm pregnant! Or am I?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The general rule is that you don't tell people you're preggars until you’re twelve weeks or more. Reasons being? You've just had your twelve week scan and there is actually a baby in there and not just wind build up or excess pies, and the 'risky' bit is now over; baby is nicely attached, breathing, doing the Hokey Cokey etc..</span></div>
<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I asked a few preggars women if they followed the twelve week rule, some said of course, imagine every parent to be’s nightmare coming true and having to tell people you've lost your baby after personalised mugs and humorous bibs have been made. Others said they did tell people (selected people) straight away because if they had (and some did) misscarry they’d want the support rather than churning along as though nothings happened, running off to the loo's at work for secret sobs, not being able to explain why the extra work load from obviously unsympathetic boss can't be done.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-71462662461257803642013-10-30T10:05:00.001-07:002013-10-30T10:05:04.540-07:00So It's OK For Us To Cry In Public Now?<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Yep. So get out your tissues, top up your mascara, and sob your heart out, because we are now a nation of emotional wrecks, but proud? </span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeD2fHeSIPWQkuGGFX5exOetQGikolI1E1-r4ewALjkZDaZIZaRWgUCtVmGeQK7amoKzbyVE0zARe_s8fKm7UYzTVpBMcmgZbp7yYk3z6frzVRJFQYntsBlu5k_nNFlyq31N1GKoWCvNhD/s1600/images.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeD2fHeSIPWQkuGGFX5exOetQGikolI1E1-r4ewALjkZDaZIZaRWgUCtVmGeQK7amoKzbyVE0zARe_s8fKm7UYzTVpBMcmgZbp7yYk3z6frzVRJFQYntsBlu5k_nNFlyq31N1GKoWCvNhD/s1600/images.jpeg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I grew up in a high oestrogen family home where we had tears on tap. Afternoon weepies, sibling strops, money worries.. we didn't have a family car and spent most weekends either cycling into the wind in our matching family coats on matching matching bikes (you've seen a family of ducks swimming in a line right?), or boxed indoors, finding solace on the doorstep, the top of the stairs or between four TV channels. Why so many tears? Too many theories; mercury fillings, lack of stimulation, processed food, our house being built on chemical disposal grounds... but our tears were confined between four walls. Occassionally in the outside world a kid would fall over and bawl their eyes out, or a girl would get dumped and weep through Silk Cut smoke rings in a school toilet cubical, but the general population would rather be seen bursting into the dance sequence from Flashdance in public, than that of tears.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">More recently, every time I turn on the TV, (real) people are breaking down. Dreams of pop stardom are being painfully ripped away from grown men and women as we watch them break down in the public eye, if thats not enough we have to watch their families do the same back stage. All of them emotionally exposed, live, close up, slow motion.. the more they suffer the slower and closer we're allowed in. Beautiful girls swapping their innocent lives for the vicious reality world of modelling, rejected in front of the camera. Dancers, magicians, artists.. even ordinary people doing ordinary stuff - Big Brother being a personality contest, and we did away with Miss World because..? - having their hearts yanked out in front of the whole world, losing all they ever wanted, dreamt and momentarily had. We are even watching people on television in tatters because they themselves are watching people on television in tatters! The next series of Gogglebox should be people watching the people watching the people. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">One of my biggest fears is bursting into tears in public - it does happen - because I am one of these people that once I starting I simply cannot stop. Of course I can allow myself Surprise Surprise, people that can't cry to this have no soul, but I'm still running hours later through new and amazing Dyson vacuum cleaner commercials and trailers for documentaries on new waste disposal plans. So, very much like the awkward school disco social system 'I'll start dancing once someone else does first', I'll wait till others bang their forehead against a 'closed for lunch' sign on the laundrette door sobbing 'but why?' or fall onto all fours outside the tube station hearing the news of another part suspension, until I go with them. For now.</span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-39511633940524744212013-10-27T08:30:00.006-07:002013-10-27T08:30:52.774-07:00How to tell a new fella you have a mental illness..<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ease him into it. Nice cuppa tea.. newspaper.. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxOL7egzzoFy08m3xvFtOvjf-nRozybITXMGv_su0z_g2A_a-hVBrRJZdiJiBzb_oWsXZKCsXXzUMpOYZ4jQGy8wN-nnRruQ4zvyYcpmP6nyiZUPUUcqWjNSxtDm7y0XBmm-RQGOX1Z6bs/s1600/IMG_2461.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxOL7egzzoFy08m3xvFtOvjf-nRozybITXMGv_su0z_g2A_a-hVBrRJZdiJiBzb_oWsXZKCsXXzUMpOYZ4jQGy8wN-nnRruQ4zvyYcpmP6nyiZUPUUcqWjNSxtDm7y0XBmm-RQGOX1Z6bs/s320/IMG_2461.JPG" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Taking care of the front page that is</span><br />
<br />Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-18735401946203072602013-10-07T01:59:00.003-07:002013-10-07T01:59:23.854-07:00Haunted dentures, dodgy perms and my naked interview<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8uWm9HlAQQrscXCjmKszoMobyDPfRtTui_vBIuJ62UUtQx1ectAtLn1rMej6eJMoqh75AhPgGfzWC7s3dJbAhv8axb-94W91pMejZ1VSMzL-vX2r7t0WLB3C96l74WWsDJhJIlThoRLMG/s1600/CHAT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8uWm9HlAQQrscXCjmKszoMobyDPfRtTui_vBIuJ62UUtQx1ectAtLn1rMej6eJMoqh75AhPgGfzWC7s3dJbAhv8axb-94W91pMejZ1VSMzL-vX2r7t0WLB3C96l74WWsDJhJIlThoRLMG/s320/CHAT.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Its been a while since I've posted.. have been up and down more times than the Grand old Duke of Yorks' ten thousand men. And distracted by boys. And board games. And Take A Break and Chat! magazines (always good to know that other people are suffering more than me, see pic's ffs) and I have recently learn't that Eastenders is in fact not actually a reality show - although I really do need to stop stalking Teat A Break/Chat! victims on Facebook.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Had a live interview with LBC on the breakfast show this morning - in the nod, half smug as.. half paranoid Nick Ferrari and his 1.2 million listeners knew - as MIND have just launched a campaign to create a better justice system for crime victims with mental health (we are 3x more likely to be a victim of.. 10x for a woman). I think I'm one of the very few that have had positive experiences with the Police in my hour of need, but then I'm banned from uniformdating.com so it's only fair.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">MIND asked me to blog all about it. Here's some dark bedtime reading for y'all.. http://www.mind.org.uk/blog/9747_who_would_believe_me</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I better go.. there is a boy in my bed.. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">SSP x</span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-32743395021579047562013-09-27T15:51:00.001-07:002013-09-27T15:51:36.077-07:00Why People With Spending Problems Shouldn't play Monopoly<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_1GYBLnB6stPHV343CnpcDXmHWari9MdvQTyC3mIUOWIUKkEvSX37ZjYEq9U-c9hgaVgD6Zo76DBfk7NnTVAWX88Xb6Q291-CxY40xPfA3z_jcfr85_MMST5BAVonrECBx8bKHBDTgo_W/s1600/548435_3635504423099_199278821_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_1GYBLnB6stPHV343CnpcDXmHWari9MdvQTyC3mIUOWIUKkEvSX37ZjYEq9U-c9hgaVgD6Zo76DBfk7NnTVAWX88Xb6Q291-CxY40xPfA3z_jcfr85_MMST5BAVonrECBx8bKHBDTgo_W/s400/548435_3635504423099_199278821_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-53857536795837512212013-08-08T04:46:00.001-07:002013-08-08T04:47:22.793-07:00Ovulating in Whetherspoons<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNnajd6fEzMOBFDkIo28VOOreMJv8S4gRUI5kE-ZVL8FA7rKaD11-lOra9DXoe3t_Ov45cIX9cA8myh_axzf8VOtMx5pREMzDkhOibw9I8zzhqtIf-gM-ksEWpYL11bVaJQ6UhzTh562NO/s1600/crazy-girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNnajd6fEzMOBFDkIo28VOOreMJv8S4gRUI5kE-ZVL8FA7rKaD11-lOra9DXoe3t_Ov45cIX9cA8myh_axzf8VOtMx5pREMzDkhOibw9I8zzhqtIf-gM-ksEWpYL11bVaJQ6UhzTh562NO/s320/crazy-girls.jpg" width="320" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">My second best friend (Yes, I’ve OD’d on Mr Freezes again) is a manic depressive two. Unlike me she’s gets more down than up. When together, our behaviour can swing both ways. When we’re both up, it’s pubs rather than coffee shops, we’re more likely to play knock door bunk on the latter, which wouldn’t work anyway as the doors are already open. I diverse. Drinking in swanky barsup west, or if one of us is ovulating then Whetherspoons, and surrounding tables seem to get further and further away.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b id="docs-internal-guid--644ad70-5db5-7ead-ad8d-1f5c25c01f82" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The more ideas, goals and business plans we create, the louder we get, the higher our voices, sped up, interupting each other to the point we’re not even listening to each other anymore, we shake with excitement and fake fizz is flying everywhere. We once came up with a vision for a cabaret act and booked a six week run at a small London Theatre, two days before the ’grand opening’ we realised we hadn’t written it (we had an hour per show), rehearsed it, found costumes or music or anything, panicked and cancelled.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When just one of us is up, hmm.. by that I mean past the ‘fun stuff’ - the highs (feels like free exstasy and lasts even longer, but unfortunately so does the comedown) - past the mania - insomnia has increased, delusions kick in, start checking the house for hidden camera crews, opening bank statements feels like being sent down and people are ‘critisizing’ erratic behaviours and women are locking their husbands up - into psychosis. I can’t even describe that because I’m not present at the time. We have had to make the difficult decision riddled with guilt to admit the other into Butlins (my name for the ward. When they built a new ward at the Homerton East Wing they refused my suggestion of naming it ‘Butlins Ward’). Then.. when the section is over and we’re allowed to breath fresh air again, the other picks us up and lakes us to the pub for jagerbombs. Last time this happened I completely forgot I was at Butlins and forgot to go back. Police were out looking for me and called my next of kin about 20 times until he picked up. My next of kin was an old boyfriend - and it had ended badly - because I hadn’t changed my hospital details. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There is a plus side to this, when we finally did get a show together, we did an Edinburgh Fringe run, and shared a room in a flat. We created a cleaning rota based on our moods. Unfortunately, When Sheena was up she became very untidy, and when she was down she couldn’t be bothered to clear up. I gave myself stickers on teh rota in the hope she would see it as a reward system. She roached it.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">When we’re both down we usually stay in our respected houses, which are the polar opposite (see what I did there) of London. Facing people on the tube is not an option, and the escalators are too long, and any eye contact along the way is like having a compass shoved in your eye. Life is safer under a duvet, but unfortunately changing a duvet requires the energy of Torville and Dean training for a, er, really long skating thing.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">We do call eachother during this time the other one doesn’t pick up.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So what do we do? I’ve no idea!I guess the best option all round is creating seventeen business which we run from our stomaches, whilst doing the Aggadoo non-stop for fifty minutes in Whetherspoons. And if one of us is indeed ovulating.. Lucky man!</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To read this in Huffington Post Comedy touch this..</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-size: 15px; line-height: 17px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kerry-hudson/ovulating-in-wetherspoons_b_3719949.html?utm_hp_ref=tw</span></span></div>
Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-82504912867795566142013-07-17T14:31:00.000-07:002013-07-17T14:34:14.535-07:00Music is...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Why won't people lend me their records anymore???Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-65938854342350548912013-07-17T14:28:00.001-07:002013-07-17T14:28:51.509-07:00Love is...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjC1lE7dlPsrTGIGBZoIKnFmUsWBHiRERZ4W919YEARRijIy8L3D09i_GlJuh3HxvkCwGMqdLaFkNVMIIbvAVmiSHxFFXA6qEClAsY0IQWVICgnGBWVpOPxcg2YBMvw1hg4VEAEvWewbbc/s1600/IMG_1827.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjC1lE7dlPsrTGIGBZoIKnFmUsWBHiRERZ4W919YEARRijIy8L3D09i_GlJuh3HxvkCwGMqdLaFkNVMIIbvAVmiSHxFFXA6qEClAsY0IQWVICgnGBWVpOPxcg2YBMvw1hg4VEAEvWewbbc/s320/IMG_1827.PNG" width="201" /></a></div>
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Why do dates never get back to me???Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-8501664846828571252013-07-08T23:42:00.000-07:002013-07-17T14:05:39.171-07:00Pinocchio's Dirty Secret<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPYMh3dxbFkgSaBcHG0AUXYmzHxIzOU4DNArAw0st07LRXOGLGdpA2G5Y3pODjD6Cu3-YAvckWgxbLrMmbY8lQ3BlmmBxtVCT1p_SOKw9OWL-UBjncfUdgBdqx-kcdLQHx38rDBVYTPakq/s1600/prostituteUNP0512_468x312.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><br class="Apple-interchange-newline" /><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPYMh3dxbFkgSaBcHG0AUXYmzHxIzOU4DNArAw0st07LRXOGLGdpA2G5Y3pODjD6Cu3-YAvckWgxbLrMmbY8lQ3BlmmBxtVCT1p_SOKw9OWL-UBjncfUdgBdqx-kcdLQHx38rDBVYTPakq/s320/prostituteUNP0512_468x312.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Unfortunately, there is still the social stigma glued to the mental health package, like a big pink bow on top to pitch up the volume even more . </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Other people's attitude towards us "spongers" can unfortunately, eventually rub off on us and we can even start to believe it too. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Because we're not spinning round in wheelchairs, or feeding our guide dogs, people often think "there's nothing wrong with him/her, they're just milking it". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I too had the snide and hurtful remarks such as "You don't know what a full day's work is like" even though I have three separate jobs when I'm well enough, and the "I wish I was mental so I could sit around and get handouts" OK then, lets swap for a day, see how you enjoy being in my head, and for the record when manic, we don't do sitting around, we're more likely to perform the Aggadoo outside ASDA in broad daylight, until we get "moved on". Or, what's worse is when we have all the brain energy to re-write the Aggadoo in twelve different languages with a sequence of pumping dance moves to go with it, but - and usually because of the meds - we don't have the physical energy to go with it. This is one of my favourite worst favourite traits of Bipolar.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">What hurts even more is that some of this has come from close friends and family. In their defense they may not know that, but in my defense I think they should. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">After a while I started to question my own "fraudulent" life, believing that I was making it all upin my own, perfectly "normal" head, and cheating the system, lying to all my readers (I often write articles/columns about it) and when I'd convinced myself enough d I'd stop turning up to appointments (I obviously didn't need to) and take myself off all my meds. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">As a result, I usually went straight back to the Butlins ward again to get fat on Olanzipin, the drug of choice to give the staff team a quiet shift, but unfortunately this pattern will continue until, like any physical condition, the bulk of society realise that we didn't decide to be certified insane for daytime TV and DLA..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">So, thanks to this stigma I haveoften found myself lying to people that don't deserve to be lied to, in fear of them walking, lying so much I can't remember what lie I've told to what person.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">There have been times when I've had to give up work for a long while, like the time when my manager overheard me take a call from one of our architects to say he was held up at the station but on his way. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">He was actually in the next room. Home time.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I remember a time when if my boyfriend stayed over the night before, I'd have to get up and pretend to go to work. I'd have to hide behind a bush till it was safe to sneak back in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Sometimes if it was chucking it down I'd shove my head out of the window to give the illusion I got soaked on the way home. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I even made fake phone calls to colleagues that didn't exist. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Ironically this stuff made me even more dissociated, paranoid and ashamed, and the thing is, of course he found out about the bipolar. You can't hide something like that for long.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I don't do lies anymore, I don't have the brain space, the Aggadoo is spilling out of my eyes and ears and </span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I also don't do people that try to break me to feel better about themselves either. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm the sort of person that breaks easily, but (with the support of them good ones) repair quickly. Actually, that's just another fantasy, it actually consumes me and keeps me awake for weeks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm also the sort of person that cannot wait to get home because back to back episodes of <i>Catchphrase</i> is on and I've only seen each episode six times. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm the sort of person that recently invested eight quid into a laminating machine and has laminated most things in her house from rubbish to the ex's unopened letters marked "urgent" before redirecting them on to him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I am the sort of person that is a human being, just like anybody else, except I just have really shit taste in music.</span></div>
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Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-65000637396284186862013-06-24T01:41:00.001-07:002013-06-24T01:41:20.651-07:00TED TALKS - Before I die
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4JAcCu75pG9yephmR4NYJ7M87uKthO-YAWIjyL9g6R6WwEoRSYZ5EPc0U7kQ5PD3-RdppZftNJnKx46zSLpIiclNTtUJFJtIeZAgt0VK66SMlMVF5YEl06uKrLtx3C6bMGJJASPxaLXDx/s1600/398038_2892304563567_205048868_n-1.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4JAcCu75pG9yephmR4NYJ7M87uKthO-YAWIjyL9g6R6WwEoRSYZ5EPc0U7kQ5PD3-RdppZftNJnKx46zSLpIiclNTtUJFJtIeZAgt0VK66SMlMVF5YEl06uKrLtx3C6bMGJJASPxaLXDx/s320/398038_2892304563567_205048868_n-1.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Funny how animals are unaware of mortality (to our knowledge), and as a result they seem a lot more chilled out then us. Would cats spend two thirds of their life asleep knowing that they were on borrowed time? Would they suddenly think "Shit! I need an education, I need some fullfilment other than food and covering up my poo, I should see more art, seek recognition from those other than my owner etc.." Flies would be the most frustrating species, imagine having to cram that all in one day?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">The manic phase of my bipolar disorder, is a little like having been told that I've got a week left to live. I often create over-spilled lists of all the things I absolutely need to do and need to do right now. Ideas from nowhere pile up on top of each other, like a game of "thought genga". I guess it's similar to creating a bucket list but one that needs the lot ticking off by the end of the day. Most manifest as grandious fantasies, others involve doing lots of running around, telling everyone I come into contact with my flush of ideas, opinions and delusions. Recently I've raced to B&Q to buy twenty eight plants because by the following day it will be too late. If it had been closed I would have likely broken down or broken in. I've taken multiple pets home from multiple pet shops because if I don't I'm responsible for animal neglect and torture all over the world (I once had ten guinea pigs, twelve rabbits, four quails and a parrot. You needed a ticket to get into my house). At the same time I was working on a city farm. In a fit of jealousy Noah and Dr Doolittle would form a band and cover McCatrny and Jackson's "The girl is mine". </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I'm the probably the biggest hypocondriact I know, appart from my cousin, who, having consume a whole pack of bacon felt sick, and asked if it's possible to get bacon cancer. I spend much time googling symptoms and calling NHS direct. If I have a complicated poo I fear I've had a prolapse, if I can't complete a crossword whilst hosting a hangover I think I have a brain tumour, and if my fingernails don't grow back on time I worry that my calcium deficiency will bring on oesteoporosis, kyosis, and paralysis. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">I dread the day that my doctor tells me I'm on borrowed time. Last year my Uncle went to the hospital for a scan with suspected fluid on the lung and he never went home. Straight from the scan room to an operation theatre to a hospital bed to a morgue. Shortly after, a friend of mine cycled to the hospital for a heart operation, and again, never went home. In my greif all I could think about was his bicycle chained up outside in the rain with nobody to cycle it home, like a dog chained up in the cold.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Following Candy Changs "Before I die" project, I am hoping to take it to various arts/mental health services around London and photograph them to add to Changs already extensive and global collection. How breathtaking is she that the love of one person transformed into a worldwide blackboard of dreams. In the meantime, I thought about the top ten things <i>I </i>would like to do before I die.. of course I'd love to have kids, travel the world, follow my dream of becoming an author etc.. but no matter how hard I try I struggle to see past the following day let alone week. Perhaps it's the short attention span that comes that comes from taking five doses of medication a day, or the negativity that comes with my condition, perhaps my denial about death and all it brings.. so my bucket list is more of a "to do" list, and includes these. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Stop thinking people are carers just because they care.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Stop trying to save people (unless they are hedgehogs or Noel Edmonds.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Learn to play Air Guitar.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Own my own redcoat.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Get unbanned from uniformdating.com.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Have a naughty nightwear stall on Eastenders called "Nan Summers".</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Go to the Norfolk Fjords.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Stop having grandious thoughts and Specsavers and sending then Thonrntons chocolates.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Stop calling customer services because I am lonely.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Realise Wetherspoons is not a sperm bank.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Realise, when chasing ambulances, that they are not ice-cream vans.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">Death is the only inevitable thing that is going to happen to us, yet it is the most taboo, frightening and deniable thing amongst all of us. Yet our bucket lists are full of hope, individuality and finding something positive out of our fear and loss. I think we should all have one, even if we don't accomplish all of it, we will have fun trying.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;">To read this is the Huffington Post click here and be nice. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kerry-hudson/in-response-to-candy-changs-tedtalk_b_3468596.html</span></div>
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Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-4582541818107190332013-05-09T02:01:00.001-07:002013-05-09T02:01:33.876-07:00Attachment Issues, Floor Tiles and Garibaldis
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To some extent we all have some attachment issues, even if very little, even if we don't even know. Same as rejection, same as abandonment, same as horizontal stripes make you look fat issues. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Although I have absolutely no idea where mine came from.. I wasn't breast fed so I can't blame it on coming off the boob, my dad came home every day after work, and no sh*t, our family goldfish lived for thirty one years. (It was won at the fair by my mum when she was a baby - before it was thought inhumane – and it was one of those annoying situations where a grown up actually wins it and then says “clever girl!” to which the baby just gives a “what the f*ck” look then sh*ts itself).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">However, my seemingly from nowhere attachment issues came out recently, horribly, when two decorators came to convert my bathroom into a shower room. No it didn't happen in B&Q, although I have cried in there a few times before. The smell of timber reminds me of wasted weekends as a child, wandering around with the parents for what seems hours, days, when all my other friends were swimming, outdoors for god sake. What I do however like about B&Q is watching couples a) have arguments over floor tiles, or b) have conversations with each other by just staring at each other.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">No, what it was, they were here for two weeks. Two weeks is a long time if you work from home and they are your only other form of communication other than rodents who are my guinea pigs Bev, Sue, Pam, Elaine Barbara, Linda and Pauline. I also have two cats now named Exceptional Circumstances and Discrimination In The Workplace. The builders wouldn't drink my tea, they said Earl Grey tastes like Perfume, fair play, but they sure as hell ate my biscuits. And we chatted every day, I got to know their first names and everything.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">When the shower room was almost complete, on the last day, I actually lost nearly a whole nights sleep wondering how I was going to survive them leaving me, so, I got up early and left the house before they got here, leaving a note – on the biscuit tin – saying..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">“Early meeting, cheers boys, looks great”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But what I really wanted to say was..</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">“I can't believe you're leaving me! How could you do this? Do you not think I have feelings too? All you do is work long hard hours, talk about your wives (BTW when did you ever talk about me?) eat my garibaldis and fart every time you bent down to seal a gap. Yours, devastated, Kerry of Hackney. PS One of the taps is dripping, maybe you need an extra week to fix?)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So I wrote it down, and felt better. And left the house before they got here. As I stepped onto the tube to go nowhere I panicked.. which note did I actually leave on the biscuit tin???</span></div>
Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-11477632392654337482013-05-05T14:25:00.002-07:002013-05-05T14:25:32.280-07:00Manic Spendathons
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If there's one thing I learnt in CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) it's that we have to take something positive from every negative experience. Or was it other way around? Well.. I recently went on a spendathon. It's not shopping that I have an addiction to - when I'm manic I actually hate the physical act of shopping; if I try on one pair of shoes from Oxford Street I then have to try on EVERY BLOODY pair of shoes in every bloody shop and then just choose ten pairs - I did seven and a half hours in the Westlife (or maybe it's Westfield) shopping centre in Stratford during that time and I swear to god I will never run out of stationary and paper plates. No, internet shopping is more satisfying. I swear to god the only reason Amazon hasn't gone bankrupt like everyone else is because of me. You can sit there in yesterdays pants, last week's make-up and the next six months wages and tremble over stuff you wouldn't normally think about. And Groupon.. and I blame other people for this.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But going back to my original point, we take a positive from a negative. All the non-refundable overpriced treatments that I can't afford, when I'm manic, credit card shaking in my hand, along with all the promises of beauty, stardom, husbands and oh my god I will look amazing....... fortunately by the time the actual bookings come around I am usually face down in my sink, hair flopped in soap, toothpaste, anything that is gonna drive me to a very clean suicide, but hey! Guess what! I have eyelash extensions to look forward to! Lazer teeth whitening! Er.. Learn Portuguese in five days... and a call from the credit card company threatening to take me to the cleaners.. but guess what? I can actually say that, through dazzling teeth, in Portuguese.. Vamos levá-lo para a limpeza. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Very good friends will take your credit cards off you during this time. Shoot them.</span></div>
Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-17356998301776031582013-04-03T14:33:00.001-07:002013-04-03T14:33:22.973-07:00Lies, Cliff Richard and Numbers.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I told the best lie yesterday (I try to tell at least one lie a day, it's good for creativity and writing). A friend of mine came over to see if I was manic, I was putting my Christmas tree up and listening to Cliff Richard sing seasonal ballads, it's April. I tried to give him some money from a wad load of cash I had stuffed in an envelope. When he asked where I got it, I turned all serious, and silenced Cliff, and told him that nine years ago, I witnessed a man do something. Something terrible. Instead of going to the Police - which by the way I've felt nothing but guilt about but have got hooked on the money - I tracked him down and blackmailed him. Not so much about going to the Police but to his wife as that would be game over. My bribe was set at a grand a month, until I decide to stop. My friend looked mortified. He couldn't look me in the eye. He said that he's rather not know what I witnessed but I could see he was curious, so I told him. I saw him pick his nose and flick it at the back of his wife's head. Then turned Cliff back up and started to dance.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Had a piece published a couple of days ago in the Huffington Post. It's had nearly 200 likes already which is fab because I thought it was crap. I went to a press event hosted by Alastair Campbell about the portrayal of mental health in the media and - as Sarah Jessica Parker always say - "and that got me thinking..."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kerry-hudson/mental-health-criminality_b_2974281.html</span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-49559767495270918982013-03-28T13:13:00.001-07:002013-03-28T13:13:06.906-07:00I dream of sleeping <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I haven’t posted for a while, been so distracted, and I forget stuff as soon as I think it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Six and a half hour spending sprees, but on the plus side, no pets.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Nights out, most nights, I can’t remember remembering. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Very little sleep.. even on promethazine and zopiclone combined.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Feeling so high - as in measurement, not morphine - someone tried to mug me the other night and I spat a big fat swear word in his face.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">So scatty I keep forgetting my lithium.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Brain so fast haven’t been able to work, it can’t keep up.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">But this isn’t mania, mania was last November, mania was putting my address on facebook and inviting anyone to come over and help themselves to anything in my house, mania was throwing the remaining anything off the balcony.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">All I want to do is sleep for more than four hours a night. When your mind is on overdrive but your body is exhausted all you can do is lie there and buzz. Sometimes my alarm goes off right next to me but I don’t notice for ages. I had to set my alarm to a Chas n Dave song thinking it would annoy the hell out of me and break me out of the charged up pulse but no.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">On a slightly more interesting note, I’m exhibiting at “Creative Journeys” Hackney Museum Gallery for three months, it covers the history of mental health in the East End of London. See photo’s above plus a LOT of knitting.</span></span></div>
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Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-2776103860619993282013-03-12T12:21:00.002-07:002013-03-12T12:21:46.876-07:00Creative Journeys - an exhibition<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Should you wandering around Hackney Central one day, check out our exhibition in the gallery. It runs until May 25th (2013) and artwork is on sale. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Should you be inspired by my work, I'm running a series of workshops in the museum. Just ask at the front desk.. "What the bloody hell is all that about then?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">SSP x</span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-51458201418332838132013-03-12T11:53:00.001-07:002013-03-12T11:53:44.241-07:00Interview with Media Mind UK<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The lovely girls from Media Mind UK came down to my exhibition I share with Core Arts at the London Hackney Museum for another two months (thats a lot of plugs for half a sentence!) and here's what we got up to..</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">http://www.themediamind.co.uk/2013/03/10/interview-kerry-hudson/</span><br />
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<br />Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-65094304567726443952013-03-12T11:45:00.002-07:002013-03-12T11:45:56.008-07:00Internet Dating And Mental Health<br />
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<span id="internal-source-marker_0.7158925465773791"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Just how honest are we on internet dating profiles? We like people to see our best bits, our qualities, the things we are proud of, so we leave out the flaws, the weaknesses, the things we wish we didn’t have. We upload our best picture, the one that say’s attractive, sexy, happy, not the mid blinking, pre make up or post bottle of plonk.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">But fast forward the potential relationship three years - which is when we approach the notorious three year itch and if we don’t make the right decision we have to wait for the seven year itch, it’s a bit like being sentenced then waiting for parole - and by then we are all attuned to the traits we left out of our original profile. So why not just get it out of the way in the beginning? No way!</span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Being totally honest in our profiles can go in one of two directions. You either get no replies, perhaps the odd one or two after pub closing hours, or you attract someone who admires you for your honesty AND your flaws. Bingo. You may as start choosing the fabric and start table planning.</span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I thought about doing this experiment, for about ten minutes, but did I really want to greet my potential soulmate with my most personal personality defects, which for me is my mental health? Oh no. People are still scared of mental health, but even though stats are rising, awareness is on the up, and all of us know someone who knows someone with a severe and enduring mental illness, we would apparently live with an ex convict then someone like me. A whopping 75% of us don’t let on about our condition for a whole year, often allowing behavioural symptoms such as a manic episode to do the talking for us.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">So, my profile begins.. female, thirties, Aquarius, journalist and textiles artist living in London zone 2, with a professional (that means photoshopped) pic of my good side (good start, grabs his attention). Into reading, walking, swimming, ski-ing (like it), dining, dancing, partying (so far, so good), likes interesting science facts, random humour that makes me laugh uncontrollably (she’s a keeper)... and stalking people off the Crime channel. My friends see me as manic, an insomniac, of which I’m prone to delusions from a parallel world. I can’t make decisions unless when dating then I make bad ones. I keep up to sixteen rodents and have a weird obsession with Noel Edmunds (logs out). Oh, and I’ve only been ski-ing once, I was rubbish, and the only thing I “read” is </span></span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take a Break. </span><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Really, lets just stick to our qualities.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Last year I joined </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Guardian Soulmates </span><span style="vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">which was my first ever internet dating experience. I did the fabulous sounding profile and clicked the upload button, and by the end of play the following day my inbox was shockingly chocka with messages, likes and favourites and I made it onto the front page (whoo hoo!). But it was very overwhelming, my previous relationship had left me feeling worthless, and I felt like a fraud because I hadn’t declared my mental illness, so I didn’t allow myself to reply to any of these potential soul mates. Six months of not replying later, still guiltily peeping out from the front page, I deactivated my account. I kicked myself for being ashamed of something I have no control over. </span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">What’s even worse are job applications because we HAVE to tick a box stating whether we have a mental health condition or not. If we declare it, hmm.. they’re not supposed to deselect us but they do. If we don’t, and become unwell, they can a) not pay us sick leave or b) dismiss us for fraud. Epilepsy, diabetes or hard of hearing are other examples of “hidden” disabilities but without that awkward stigma which is mental health.</span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is one dating site which caters for people with mental health issues looking for love or even friendship and its called </span><span style="font-size: 15px; font-style: italic; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">No Longer Lonely. </span><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It was set up by a guy called Sam with mental health issues of his own who told me..</span><br /><span style="vertical-align: baseline;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; white-space: pre;"> </span><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I get regular testimonials from users attesting to how their lives have improved because of this site. Fact is that we’ve spawned at least forty marriages. I think there is a profound comfort getting to know someone for romantic intention when the idea of disclosure is taken off the table. We speak a common language of experience.</span></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m all for people with a mental health diagnosis getting together with a similar partner, however, the cross-over of symptoms can be hard work and need deeper attention and indeed support. Mood disorders and personality disorders can be a toxic combination if unattended, although anxiety disorders tend to be more straight forward to understand, but cross partnerships in general can be difficult because not only do we have our own condition to control, we then have a whole new batch of symptoms to understand and nurture. Match partnerships, ie bipolar to bipolar tend to work better because both partners share the same awareness, experience and empathy.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Friends who think they are helping when they say “You need to be with someone normal” do not tend to understand that whilst their support has not gone unappreciated, we often feel that our condition is highlighted in comparison with someone without one, like having a spotlight shining down on us.</span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-size: 15px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m done with the whole internet dating thing, it wasn’t for me. Perfect if your fridge is empty and you’re skint because you could fashion a short notice dinner date (if it goes well you get breakfast too) but I think I’ll do better hanging around outside manic depression support groups and depot clinics!</span></span></span></div>
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<span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;">To read this in the Huffington Post, go to http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kerry-hudson/internet-dating-profiles-_b_2776853.html</span></span><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></span></div>
Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-70895538193578275862013-01-03T09:49:00.001-08:002013-01-03T09:49:08.360-08:00Realistic New Year Resolutions <br />
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<b id="internal-source-marker_0.9621123077813536"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My new years resolution this year was to start smoking and so far it’s going very well.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Admittedly I hated it to start with, namely the head rush, and had to pour cans of coke down my neck to combat the taste, but in order to give up a guilty pleasure I needed another guilty pleasure and a second new years resolution is to give up the booze since my folks - monitoring my lubricated antics over the festive period - have threatened me with rehab. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’ve heard, read, experienced that people with bipolar love to drink, snort, shop, gamble, ‘hold hands’ because the quick fix attached is similar to our natural buzzers and we often prefer to self medicate than listen to our doctors. </span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another thing we ‘forget’ is that drinking on top of our meds stops them working properly. THIS is my reason to quit, even if just for a few months (or minutes) because 2012 has seen two psychiatric admissions, a break up and a bingo habit and I need to see some positive changes in 2013 or I will simply leave Walford (yes, I believe ‘Stenders is real, give me something to cling onto).</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Other new years resolutions include..</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">- See more of people - I actually have more conversations with my pet guinea pigs than people. As a writer I need to be more nosey, find out what's going on in other peoples lives, swear to secrecy and then change names.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Practice the drums more - I’m getting crap on the drum kit. How am I to be the nagging thirty something drummer with her </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Take A Break </span><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">magazine and </span><span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Ovaltine </span><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">on the floor tom in a band with teenage comb overs unless I practice?</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - De Clutter - My flat is starting to look like something from a Channel Four documentary on hoarding. Because I make installation art I often hang around skips and scrap projects like flies and drag useless materials back to my flat with the promise of bringing it to life.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">As humans we are more likely to list the things we must change and forget the things that worked for us in 2012, like.. er.. changing lightbulbs or remote control batteries. Other things I learnt last year to take with me into 2013 is..</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - You can’t fix other people - I spent the last five years trying to eliminate someone else’s baggage, instead I just added to my own. The only people you can fix are yourselves, and you need to swallow a bit more than pills and self help books to do this. CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) and CAT (Cognitive Analytical Therapy) are great tools.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Go against the grain - not only is this a fabulous method for cutting fabric to make cushion cover binding, it also works when you’re so low you can’t face the outside world so you FACE THE OUTSIDE WORLD. Fresh air and change of scenery works on both the mental and physical being.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> - Don’t ask you don’t get - Although we’ve been hearing this since the age of five some of us (me included) still think good fortune will come to us if we sit and wait quietly. Last year I wrote for some of my favourite magazines and supplements because I asked to. I also had a three month solo exhibition - since art school - of my textiles art because I asked to. If anyone had of said no I would’ve been exactly where I was anyway.</span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><br /><span style="font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Whatever you decide to do or not to do in the coming year, have a marvellous new one!</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><i>To read this in the Huffington Post.. http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/kerry-hudson/realistic-new-years-resolutions_b_2401729.html?just_reloaded=1</i></span></span></div>
Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-22999536172566131582013-01-01T14:16:00.001-08:002013-01-01T14:16:45.264-08:00Hypomanic Episode and Drinking Shaving Foam<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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‘Hypomanic episode’ may sound like a TV documentary about biochemistry but it’s something I go through about once or twice a year, usually triggered by stress (that can also be ‘fun’ stress), prolonged periods of insomnia (this is what usually gets me) and forgetting medication even just for a couple of days. </div>
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I don’t usually know I’m hypomanic until its over, or I’m taken to hospital and it’s explained to me. The things I obsess over, usually the welfare of animals, are at the time ‘normal thought patterns’ and delusions or commonly to me the presence of people around me from edwardian hookers to a big budget film crew, are part of my daily make-up.</div>
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I recently had a hypomanic episode, accompanied by mixed episode (horrid.. manic, depressed and anxious all at the same time, exhausting) brought on by five consecutive days of little or no sleep. I even tried to drink myself to sleep but that fueled my mania. I stalked people, obsessed over cats, put my full address on the internet and invited people to come round and help themselves to stuff, even threw stuff off of my balcony, being spurred on by people with me on my balcony (there were no people on my balcony). As if that wasn’t bad enough a previously planned date turned up, and not only was I emptying the contents of my house out of the window, wide eyed, tears speeding down my cheeks, but <i>Fatal Attraction </i>was on the TV. What a catch.</div>
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The following day my good friend Sheena came over - she had judged my mood swings by the crap I was putting on facebook - and she took me to hospital. As if five days of no sleep, mixed episoding and a domino rally of incident after incident isn’t enough, a doctor will see you, ask you questions, take notes, then you wait, and then another doctor will see you, ask you questions, take notes, and then you wait, and then. if admitted, another doctor will see you, ask you questions, takes notes...</div>
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On the ward I slept constantly. I woke to eat, take pills, then went back to bed again. I was watched every fifteen minutes. They took away my belt, shoe laces, even my business cards(?). I did the sleep thing for about five days before I started talking, taking part in group activities, therapy, seeing visitors etc.. it was going very well until I got attacked by a psychotic woman (patient, not staff) who left her teeth indents in my arm, and I panicked, not because of the attack, but because I realised for the first time that I was on a psych ward for psyched up women and I was one of those.</div>
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The following day I went to see the Turner Prize and forgot to go back. I woke the following morning in a Crack den with messages on my phone from the ward, the police, my friends..</div>
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A week later I was discharged - it was a bit of a Sarah Connor moment from Terminator 2 where I said everything I thought they wanted to hear - and I went back home, so long as someone stayed with me (Sheena).</div>
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A few days later, I was back in hospital, this time following swallowing a box of soluble cocodamol (it was like drinking shaving foam) with brandy. The following day all I could talk about to the doctors, to my visitors was about cats (the animals not the musical) and cried constantly, and, I lay in a bed for two days with only a clock on the wall right in from of me, were they trying to make me more insane??</div>
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Because what goes up, must come down, really down. The more up, the more down. Hypomania, suicidal.</div>
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I still have Sheena staying with me, I owe her big time. And I’m banned from booze as my worried parents have been threatened me with rehab and I don’t want to go because you can’t drink in there. </div>
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Happy new year!</div>
Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-46518482659114125872012-12-18T10:47:00.000-08:002012-12-18T10:47:56.564-08:00How To Avoid Family Arguments This Christmas<br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">'Tis the season to bicker all the way to the in-laws, or is it? Here's some popular disputes and how to prevent them... </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"I'm not doing the driving"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">When I was growing up, my family all lived down the same street, nowadays hardly any of us live in the same town we grew up in and Christmas get togethers often involve trains, planes and 'accidental' car trouble.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The journey there isn't the problem, it allows time to fill in the gaps to prevent awkward conversations like who's getting divorced and who didn't get the promotion etc, but if only a day trip then comes the return journey and somebody has to drive, which means, someone has to stay sober. As I'm sure we've all experienced it's not much fun being the only one sat there with a glass of fake fizz whilst everyone else is on the dance floor, the twister mat or trying to play charades, on a twister mat, on a dance floor. If not, then maybe it's your turn to drive.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Besides, whilst you're sober and everyone else's smashed, depending on your relationship with the in-laws it's a perfect opportunity to do a bit of present swapping or tipping the family silver into your handbag.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"We're not going to your mum's"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If in a relationship, the general rule is that if we went to his or her folks last year, we go to ours this year. However, what if their folks are divorced and remarried? That means we only get to spend Christmas with our folks every three years. Or what if its our first Christmas together and they want to spend this Christmas with their folks, ours next year, but we spent last years' with our ex partners folks and have promised ours this year? Can you see where I'm going with this? It would make sense to have the whole lot over for Christmas but then there are the sibling in laws, the nieces and nephews, and pending on how far you spiral down the family web it could be more like cooking for Crisis at Christmas than a festive family dinner.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Perhaps say "That's fine dear, so long as we can do mine Boxing day" and lets face it, Boxing day is much more fun - the local pubs are open, better films on the box, and less expectations of dinner if you're cooking - besides, if there's nothing in the diary for the 27th you can really celebrate and wash down a box of chocky liquors with a bottle of Baileys (so long as you got out of doing the driving).</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Put a jumper on and turn the heating off"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Coincidently, energy costs increase during cold weather warnings. The picturesque family image of us all sitting around a glowing fire toasting marshmallows to the festive sound of church bells should be replaced with that of us in woolly hats and gloves under a duvet watching <em>Eastenders</em> Christmas (disaster) special. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Apparently the "We're not putting the heating on just yet" dispute starts in October, so by Christmas day we should all be used to the reaction we get when we flick the switch and should have a jumper ready.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Leaving the oven door open after you've roasted your turkey will keep the kitchen warm for all of ten minutes, and pressing used chewing gum into window sills (between the window and the sill) helps lock in warmth but only if you've been doing this all year. If you live in flats, befriend those on the top floor as these will be the warmest.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">TV ANTICS</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Where's the remote control?"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Believe it or not, popular 999 calls have been from distraught partners of those hiding or refusing to hand over the remote control. Unfortunately, the post roast selection of Christmas television is what holds me back from my idyllic crisp country walk.. in Homerton. Is it sad that the only time I watch the soaps is on Christmas day? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">There have been many Christmas's where I've been a guest in someone's house and politely sat sweating and trembling for what seems like hours before I had the courage to ask for the tenth time "You did say it was OK to watch Eastenders at eight didn't you?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I actually paid my dad £3 once to let me watch 'Stenders' in peace one Christmas day. £2 if I could turn over and another £1 for keeping quiet and not tell me everything that was about to happen whilst it was on.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">However, in recent years, something amazing has happened. The plus box. These give us the opportunity to record and playback anything on the other side. However, it's just not the same when watching sports, especially when your neighbour and avid Spurs fan whoops and cheers every time a goal is scored. Which brings me to my next dispute..</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"We're not watching sport on Christmas day"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">An informant has assured me that there are no fixtures on Christmas day, however, sports news channels operate as normal and this can lead to arguments during peak festive soap viewing, such as all day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">For your footy mad dad, £3 may not be enough to rent out the remote, you may have set the fire alarm off, change channel during evacuation, then hide the controller VERY well, but not well enough to forget where you put it, perhaps in the washing machine (let's face it, who's more likely to use it). Alternatively, get them a very interesting manly present to play with, such as a selection box of toiletries or a Top Gear calendar.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">KITCHEN ANTICS</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"You should've cooked it like this... "</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Why is it that people (who aren't cooking) always wait until you're about to dish up and then start loitering in the kitchen? Is it the aroma of the juicy bird roasted in fresh herbs? Or if you're anything like my Dad you may wish to just stand there and say how you would've done it differently.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To avoid health and safety issues such as scalds and chinese burns, stay out of the kitchen during cooking and serving (if doing so in the kitchen). If you're the chef then threaten whoever keeps coming in with the washing up, that'll keep them out.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">If using someone elses cooker for the first time, get acquainted with it first. A couple of years ago I grilled a turkey. It didn't look very happy and neither did my guests.</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">"Who put the empty butter back in the fridge?"</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">It's a divorceable offence. Those who put empty milk cartons, jam jars and margarine tubs back in the fridge should hand themselves in and their presents back. I learnt at an early age that this is as good as illegal, however, I've sinced been back to my parents house, tried to raid the fridge for "fun food" such as sandwich fillers, creamy cakes and booze, and my mum's voice appears from nowhere "Don't eat that it's out of date"! Isn't that just as sinful? And who has booze in their fridge for that long it goes out of date? Surely the same people that put crisps in the fridge.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Throwing things away can be fun! You can play games such as bin buckaroo. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Whatever you do this Christmas, wherever you may be with whomever you choose (or get lumbered with), wrap up, drive safe, and be nice to each other.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To see this piece in full and read more on Christmas antics, go to http://www.n16mag.com/latest-issue.html</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Also on HuffPost UK Lifestyle</span><br />
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Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4521629066379687112.post-37962980900129630972012-12-18T10:37:00.000-08:002012-12-18T10:37:11.321-08:00Alternative Medicines For Mental Health<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOGYxkXAqc9TsLDwVbiNC5_mIBwBKWCSQUN7rL4S4cL3JK6m-D1lRZrBxyrXg36FDPtGv4-pcfngm61_i7ho2ho2yTfIMtNUI9Q14AcBSKsNhDjChICd_25rNJsOrEwwu2s-Kz6Lo9nnkg/s1600/fotolia%2520Garden%2520Herbs.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOGYxkXAqc9TsLDwVbiNC5_mIBwBKWCSQUN7rL4S4cL3JK6m-D1lRZrBxyrXg36FDPtGv4-pcfngm61_i7ho2ho2yTfIMtNUI9Q14AcBSKsNhDjChICd_25rNJsOrEwwu2s-Kz6Lo9nnkg/s320/fotolia%2520Garden%2520Herbs.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Many of us are choosing a greener lifestyle, and that goes for medication too. Holistic therapist Sorrell Robbins explains "The idea of alternative medicine - namely herbs - is to help moderate and balance the individual alongside medical and/or psychiatric care and not to cure conditions that mainstream doctors were unable to". </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Holistic therapists are often a plan b to conventional practitioners - like GPs - however the role of the GP is not stripped of authority and is often required to approve certain treatments offered by the holistic therapist.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A holistic therapist should always check what medication you are already taking. Although natural herbs are just that - natural - they still hold potency and should be monitored when used with other medication.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Sorrell takes me through some of the common mental health symptoms she has worked with and what herbs and other alternative medicines she recommends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Anxiety</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Herbs such as valerian and hops help calm the mind. Hops also helps calmly release stored anger. Chamomile as we know also naturally calms the mind, but what we don't know is that we need at least two tea bags for it to have an effect. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Roman chamomile is good for anxiety in kids, and frankincense with a drop of heart shakia if they are prone to panic attacks. Lavender is also useful is the child is too over-stimulated as it's great for all round relaxation, and that goes for adults too.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Hypnosis - although many people are both excited and nervous about apparent mind control, it is actually a myth. No-one can give you suggestions or commands that your mind won't allow because you are in control at all times. Clinical hypnosis - in oppose to what we see Derren Brown do on TV - is really deep relaxation and meditation. I put Sorrells' hypnotherapy to the test, and was pleasantly surprised at the level of relaxation she took me to through guided visualisation whilst balancing my mind and body. I am one of these un centered people that can usually only wind down whilst I'm asleep.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Depression </b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Many of us have already heard of St Johns wart and it's one of the best selling over the counter and alternative medicines for the blues. It's non toxic and has proven effective results but it should not be taken alongside prescribed antidepressant or antipsychotic drugs as it can have the reverse effect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Withania herbs help to restore motivation and passion, often lost during depressive episodes. It's good for libido too which is often lost during these episodes. Withania is also a tender energizer.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Rosemary naturally stimulates the circulation system and gives the adrenalin glands a gentle kick. Orange flower is good for children with depression as well as anger problems.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">A massage helps boost circulation too, the cupping and hacking (don't be put off by the names given to the techniques) are great for energisers. A good oil to use bergamot as it helps with many types of depressive states, and rose water (rose otto) which has an uplifting effect whilst restoring balance.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Paranoia</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Skullcap is known to calm down negative thinking which in turn can ease feelings of paranoia. Also try the valerian, hops and chamomile for their properties.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Orange flower mixed in water, like the hops, can help control feelings of anger and can be used for kids too.</span><br />
<b><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - (OCD)</span></b><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">As well as the Skullcap, wild lettuce for it's mild sedative effect is a good natural medicine for OCD. As episodes of OCD are often triggered by stress and anxiety, also try the valerian, hops and chamomile. Valerian blended with otto rose is suitable for children with OCD.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Insomnia</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The hops and valerian, often prepared together, are a common and effective natural sleep aid. They come in both tablet and tea form and it's best to make a pot and drink throughout the evening, not just before you go to bed. As with the tablets, try taking them a good hour or so before you go to bed. Lavender drops on the pillow also help us to relax. Be care with burning oils or incense at night time, the drops are much safer.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Mood Stabiliser</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Lemon balm aids in the leveling out of moods, and it's properties are known to promote balance and harmony.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><b>Addiction</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">The skullcap can also help with cravings, and is often used in detox blends that eliminate excess drugs from the body. Milk thistle helps cleanse the liver, although it must be used with caution if the liver has been subject to a disorder such as psoriasis. The wild lettuce is sometimes used as an opiate detox because of it's similar sedative effect.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Massage also helps people trying to detox, and lymphatic drainage strokes aid circulation and the elimination of toxins.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Aromatherapy (the use of oils) is also a great alternative remedy. It's soothing, relaxing, great for the skin and muscle tissue and has an immediate effect. However, it only works on a superficial level. Herbs work on a deeper level on your organs and work much better long term.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">To find out more about herbs or the work Sorrel does, click here. http://www.chamomileclinic.co.uk/</span>Seesaw seating planhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05026260423397180949noreply@blogger.com0