Knitting Cakes In Crack Dens

I can't stop knitting cakes. I spend many evenings and weekends alone constructing doughnuts out of wool, sprinkling glitter dust on French fancies and tying ribbon around Swiss rolls.

I've used up all the recording space on Sky + because I'm banned from watching my murder programs on my own I have to record them. I've even had to wipe all my episodes of Embarrassing Bodies and Animal Hoarders to make room for something I'm not allowed to watch.

My guinea pigs are happy I have something else to obsess about, the more time I spend knitting the less time my face is pressed up against their cage staring weirdly at them breathing cherryade (which is the new cava) onto them.

Knitting keeps me out of trouble. I initially taught myself to knit when I gave up smoking, and then accidently started a craft business. It gives me a distracting focus even though I can zone in and out of thoughts at the same time. I think it's marvelous for sufferers of both OCD and anxiety, as well as those recovering from addiction. I can't imagine myself back in a crack den chasing the dragon whilst darning pom poms onto tea cozies somehow.

Recent projects and exhibitions involve knitted toilet roll dolls (with action men), cakes (even a full size wedding cake), and 80's memorabilia (rubix cube).

In East London it's considered cool to knit but I haven't joined any clubs like Stitch n' Bitch because I'm terrified of new people and talk too much as a result which in turn irritates them.

If ten years ago somebody told me that one day I'd give up, late nights, drugs, “frequent encounters with the opposite sex” swinging round the pole on the back of a London bus, and throwing up in bins. for knitting, I would've told them it's rude to spread lies.

Maybe it's age, maybe it's lithium, maybe it's both or neither, but I think everyone should try it. Ironically many pharmacies sell wool..

“I need something for tinnitus - the Hokey Cokey's been in my head on full volume for nearly a week now”

“Take this eight ply yarn, a set of four millimeter needles, follow the instructions in your head and you'll have a nice long scarf within two weeks”

Coat on

Buttoned up

I'm off

xx