Both instability and inconsistency of mood makes it very hard to make and stick to plans. I can just about cope with making plans for the same day, because I know where I am, but future plans be it in a months time, a weeks time or even the next day... oh no.
Friends and family have come to the end of their tether over the years, with me canceling at the last minute, in fact the other day my friend said I cancel exactly an hour before hand, on the dot. I've cancelled on countless occasions, big occasions, last year I didn't even make one of my best friend's wedding, and I was her bridesmaid!
I can only imagine what people think. Especially when it's I, who enthusiastically plans something, invites everyone, and doesn't show. They probably think I'm flakey, or that I got a better offer, or that I can't be bothered.. reality is I'm often sat at home in the same pile of dirt as the day before, under a heavy black cloud, pulling out sweaty chunks of hair, calling myself every name under the sun (including flakey) and telling myself "Why don't you just go?" and ever time I try and move from my dead weight I'm reminded of the paralysis.
Or, I'm pacing up and down the hallway, slap and hat on, and every time I try and turn my key in the door my hands are shaking so much I hear Jingle Bells. This is where I'm being beaten up by paranoia. I've already decided that people are going to humiliate me as I walk in, and that the sound of everyone laughing is like thunder and as lightening strikes the inside of my head will light up and everyone will see what I'm having to cope with.
In my earlier years, as in, non-diagnosed so not medicated, I once didn't go out because I thought I was famous and that I'd get hounded like hungry dogs to a bare bone. This was BEFORE I discovered non-prescription drugs by the way, I'm aware of the similarity in grandiosity.
So, few friends have caught on that I can't make plans. Don't get me wrong, in a stable place, it's doable, sometimes, but the majority of my social life is based either in my house, or on the spur of the moment. So, if you're getting married, forget sending me an invitation, just text me in the morning "getting married at midday" and I'll more than likely be there!
Ironically I was going to write a piece about how much fun I had at Mecca Bingo the other night (after I cancelled, twice) but this slipped out. I must remember not to send this link to the Mecca facebook page as promised.
