Friday, 24 February 2012

Hackney V Devon

I spend a lot of time with my friend who has an imaginary boyfriend in Wandsworth Prison since my ex admitted himself to a "Butlins Ward" (there are no hotels in Hackney), and what with my own life reflecting Take A Break magazine - the other night police and paramedics burst in my flat, I had put my phone on silent to watch Take Me Out, another guilty pleasure, and because of my recent episode, I didn't answer my phone so my friend thought I'd eaten a lithium sandwich - I have come to Devon. 

I'm staying in a holiday cottage with one of my (sane) friends, three miles from Totnes, where guys called Barry change their name to Tarquin, and girls bang the bongo's with their pregnancy sticks.

It is beautiful. Alive yet serene. I'm already dreading going back to the sirens and smoke of East London.

They don't even have Devonshire ice - cream because they've all changed to soya!

90% + 10% = Borderline Personality Disorder

I've been putting off writing this post for a while now, I guess that when you write something down it confirms it, sometimes just a signature will do (like divorce, or bankrupsty). Words are like a mirror or a replay button.

The relationship I ofter talk about is over. Five years of intensity, of bliss, of danger, of closeness, of car crash, of lust, of extremity is gone. 

It was the last of the this is the last of the last chances with his binge drinking, his mania (yes, it's ironic, a maniac who can't deal with other people's mania). 

Probably the hardest decision I've had to make because, the difficulty loving someone with a split personality (actual diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder, secondary Depressive PD, with (Binge) Alcoholism thrown in the bag. It's a bit like "Buy two get a third free") is that 90% of the time they are all the lovely things that you fell in love with them for, but the other 10% is when the "stuff" happens. It is this "stuff" that gets Mr 90% into trouble, and you blame Mr 90% for "stuff" that Mr 10% did. And 9 times out of 10 Mr 90% can't remember what Mr 10% did.

I think I swallowed a calculator there.

I've had enough of the "stuff"

Unfortunately you can't put in your diary when they turn into Mr 10% and make sure you're out of town, because you don't (and neither do they) know when one of their triggers is around the corner.

Ironically I had a couple of articles published last year where I talk about how relationships where both partners with mental health can work, but this one just couldn't. I tried to get us couple therapy but they just didn't want to work with two diagnosis's in one room.

I'm so sad, he was my best friend, my rock, my clown.

I think I'll be listening to What Become Of The Broken Hearted on repeat for about three days now. But it could be worse, I could be listening to The Aggadoo on repeat for three weeks instead...


Thursday, 16 February 2012

... and delete.

Luckily there is a "delete post" option on blogger. I wish I could say the same for mobile phones, email accounts and social network sites. I' not just talking about the 3am texts and in-boxing to potential or ex boyfriends - although I think Nokia should design a built in breathalyzer which disables the send option when it detects tia maria and cava - but sometimes I "send before you think", in fact most days, but yesterday in particular I wrote a long detailed blog about how I've rediscovered Specsavers, and how Ian (Specs consultant) at Tottenham Court Road branch is possibly the best shop assistant I'd ever met and as I was looking at the Specsavers website trying to find a place for "Reviews on Ian" I wondered whether a supersize bouquet of flowers or a Thorntons selection would be too much. Needless to say, when I read my post back to myself, out loud, in a Scottish accent (to sound like someone else had written it) I deleted it. I do that a lot. I still think Ian is fantastic I just wish to keep it to myself, and not get myself banned (You can get banned from being anti-social in most places but I bet you can get banned from being too fond, it scares people).

I did something similar in Weatherspoons in Hackney once, whilst speaking to the manager about how he had the best staff team I've ever seen in all my time in the catering industry (which is bollocks) I burst into tears. I avoid that place too now. Even though thats as classy as you get in Hackney.

Pic.. from my Knitted Pics album

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Hearts and Forensics

A Valentine card came through the post today!
A Valentine card came through the post today!
A Valentine card came through the post today!
A Valentine card came through the post today!
I haven't the foggiest who it is from.

In fact, trying to hunt down the love hungry suspect has made me feel like I'm in CSI (Card Scene Investigation). 
Exhibit A: I have shown somebody else, so I've not made it up. Either that or I've made the other person up to. 
Exhibit B: Post mark 'Mount Pleasant' according to my sources Mount Pleasant is a place in Cardiff. And Carlton. And Belper, Cambridge, Tunbridge Wells and a pub in Blackpool. It's also the name of the main sorting office in London, I am a doughnut!! That narrows it down to 7, 750, 000 people.
Exhibit C/D: Having accused my lovely cousin who lives in Dalston of sending a sympathy card she is off the hook. As is my sympathetic ex. This narrows it down to a new 7, 749, 998
So the investigation is going well! 

Saturday, 11 February 2012


It's the weekend before Valentines day,  and if you want to buy one of my unjinxed home made Valentine cards for you the love of your life, or your partner, you can buy them at Prick Your Finger in Bethnal Green

Whilst you're clicking, have a look at my Nan's Cabinet website

Or my Etsy shop

You may have noticed this is probably my first non-bipolar rant/post, don't worry, there is a LOT coming up. But for now it's knitting needles, silk and buttons.