Wednesday, 20 April 2011

A double life, high heels and The Co-op

It's occurred to me that I lead a double life sometimes.. In the privacy of my own home I can do all the crying, chucking things across the room, drinking absinthe and talking to Roy Walker on the TV.. in the same clothes I slept in/wore yesterday/slept in the night before etc.. but in public I have to do my best to hold myself together - smiley, clean, heels and tales of how fantastic my life is.

It's at times difficult to work myself out and where I belong - I can be sitting in a grotty NHS waiting room with dog eared half torn poster advertising Anthrax or Clamidia in the morning, and that evening I can be seated and Chtardonay'd in the Worsley footy players. It gives me a sense of confusion, and I forget who knows the real me and the other real me.

Years ago I was obsessed with fame - I wanted to be famous - I thought I WAS famous, I remember working at the Co-op in Cambridge in my teens and, as a shelf stacker, I was allowed in the store room. I was convinced that this was of VIP status, like I was allowed backstage. Now I can't think of anything worse (than fame - not store cupboards). I enjoy the anonymity of London too much. Just to contradict myself, I was once on The F Word talking about the co-op, but they edited what I said. I said my least favorite supermarket was the Co-op and they edited it to reveal that my favorite supermarket was the Co-op. And the fact that I'm talking too much about the Co-op in my blog means that I should stop right here!

Wednesday, 13 April 2011

Side effects of effectiveness

A few of you have mentioned that I've been quite quiet these last few weeks on the ol' blog, it's a tricky one, I'm in a medical Catch 22 scenario. On my prescribed dose of medication I get hideous obsessive compulsive thoughts, and sometimes they seep into actual visions, but at the same time they stablilise my moods. However, on a lower dose, my moods are unstable - mixed episodes of excitability and excessive lows - and anxiety attacks. So, one day I can't cope with the OCT's and take 100mgs the next day I can't cope with the downsides and double or even triple the dose. My partner watched me tear my hair out (metaphorically, I'm on a mission to look like Julie Christie in her twenties) and tried to contact East London mental health services but he would have had better luck building a Tesco Metro on the moon. I'm also very, very tired. The upping and downing of my meds are doing a yo-yo effect on my energy levels. Caffeine and Cava are top of my shopping list and the lists in general are getting longer - I even found myself writing a list of lists the other day!
Bear with me - I do have a few things i want to write about, I just need to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Agro/social-phobia, listomania and Roy Walker

Well we've just had a heat-wave in London (whoo - hoo!) From my window I could see people heading towards Victoria Park, and smell barbecues, and hear street music (and not just the tinny RnB that slowly kills the car stereo that someone has just nicked but is too young to drive off in - it's on the Hackney The Musical compilation, I'll come back to that). Everything in me was saying "Get out there, it's bloody beautiful!" but I could not for love or money do it. Sounds pathetic, I mean I have fully functioning legs, a tenner and a map - that's all you need for a free afternoon out in London - but my psyche was regressing to a thirteen year old when told to do something you really don't want to do - arms crossed, eye's down, "Not doing it. Don't care, still not doing it". I wish my bouts of argro/social-phobia would sync with the Met office and match weather conditions. Besides, when you don't have human contact for days or weeks on end, you start to rely too much on TV for company and I am starting to compare myself to Big Fat Gypsy Weddings - Why can't I live in a caravan outside a complete strangers house?  

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has taught me to find a positive in every negative. Unable to leave the flat I am.. 
a) not going to develop skin cancer 
b) not going on a spendathon - yes there is internet shopping but my weakness is household pets, at my worst I had ten rabbits and twelve guinea pigs (eighty eight legs in total, in a flat, no garden)  
c) not going for a quick spritzer to come home three days later. 
And, more importantly, I have Roy Walker to entertain me for four hours a day, he is on my top five things that keep me sane. The top ten list goes like this (in no particular order)..

Medication - obviously
This blog - it's expressive
Take A Break - stories such as My ex through acid on my chips and the dog ate them but I still love him make me feel grateful for what I have (reasonable ex's and no dogs)
Lists - the only order I have in my life
Roy Walker - he's Roy Walker
My psychiatrist(s) Dr Price and Dr Medcaff - they know their stuff
My partner - he is very patient, and also a patient himself, it helps, normal partners can make you feel even crazier in comparison to them
My rodents - I use up all my maternal responsibilities on them
Core Arts - my day centre/arts centre whatever you want to call it, being around other people with mental health problems means I can turn my outdoor personna off
The odd bottle of plonk - it's plonk.