Wednesday, 3 November 2010


I wanted to write my first entry in a good mood but I woke up this morning literally swearing at the world, and since the door and curtains were closed the words just bounced back at me, therefore it was me that should go **** myself on this beautiful morning. 

I've recently subscribed to this website 
It's a daily mood recorder. Everyday you get a list of questions and it translates your answers into a score and records it on a graph so you can monitor your moods. Every morning you get an email reminder, and it's free! You get feedback and advice though it's automated feedback and reminds me a bit of Shazam - when you dial 2580 and hold your phone up to the speaker and it detects the song. When this first came out I thought there were music nerds were at the end of the phone and so I sang a song into it. Of course it didn't detect it. Todays score was 18%. I swigged this mornings medication with last nights wine and went back to bed.

On a happier note! I'm glad that I'm able to detect my mood, sometimes I have no idea where I am on the moodometer levels. My Psychiatrist told me I suffer mixed states which I'm interpreting at being high and low at the same time - it's both confusing and exhausting. My lows often surface in many other ways - my face for example - if I'm low I paint my face with enough make-up to become an Avon representative. I don't acknowledge this and it takes other people to (once including my boss who told me to tone it down - I worked in an all male psychiatric prison at the time). I also drink more or double my meds or both, however, on an up day I also tend to drink more or double my meds or both, so unless I'm pretty stable I tend to be out of it a lot of the time. I'm writing an article Dual diagnosis and self medicating for a magazine which I'll upload when it's finished. I also have to wait for other people to tell me what mood I'm in, which is embarrassing, it feels as though someone is having to spell my own name for me or something. So! At least I had that conversation with myself this morning, it's a bit like playing playing Guess what I'm thinking with myself, a nice break from playing naughts and crosses with myself I suppose.

On the subject of games I'm going to leave it there, I'm completely obsessed with Catchphrase at the moment and it's about to start, and I wish Roy Walker would wait for me at the school gates and tell me he is my father, a fantasy I started aged six when I wanted Debbie Harry to do the same thing. But then if I was coming out of infant school aged thirty five I think I'd have another problem!

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